It's a great story that needs some grammatical improvement.
I thought that the plot of the story was great! The characters were developed well and I could picture what was happening. However, you had a tendency to use "about" and "around" multiple times in close proximity and use overused words such as "a lot", "gets", "got", etc. If you are able to replace those with synonyms, your sentences will sound better. Also, you occasionally referred to the "Semaj's" as a people group. If you are saying that a Semaj owned something, you would say Semaj's, but with the way you were using the word, you should be saying Semajes to pluralize Semaj and make it a group of people. You also occasionally use a period or semicolon where there should be a comma or you use a comma where you simply need a space. I also recommend paying close attention to verb agreement. In one sentence you wrote, "...Since it was so hot, I always feel like swimming." You are going from past to present tense. Choose one and stick with it! There were also a few typos, such as "sliver" instead or "silver" and "striping the bark" instead of "stripping the bark". If you read through the story, you will be able to catch many of your small mistakes. I have also found that if I read something out loud and can hear what I've written, I am more likely to notice when a sentence doesn't flow properly or when I made a silly error. There was also a paragraph where you changed from first to third person. So, at the beginning it read as if Eiram was talking, but at the end it was as if I was an onlooker observing the events. I would keep it one way or another. I also noticed that a couple sentences were fragments, such as, "Besides the fact that she likes to be in charge." Lastly, you never really explain why Seraya was kidnapped. Why didn't they just kill her and Kaiella? Overall, I think your main faults are purely grammatical. If you can fix those, your story will read more fluently. I hope this review helps! :)
6/21/2012 4:40:37 PM
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