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Achaeus of Athens

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Strange things begin to happen in the city of Athens in 52 A.D. It all starts with a stranger that comes and starts talking about new things from a far country that they have never heard of before. Some of the Athenians begin to follow him, and he touches the lives of many of the slaves and poor people there: including Achaeus, a slave captured in battle that is beaten and force to work in a quarry until he nearly dies of an injury. Damaris, Achaeus's sister, who is owned by the same master, is hardly ever allowed to see her brother. And Athenais, the lover of Achaeus, is enslaved at the same time. After being forced to watch her family die, she is separated from him and does not know where he is. The strange man tells them a story that completely changes their lives, and how they view their circumstances.

With footnotes explaining the uncommon words and some of the customs of the ancient Greeks.

Product Specifications
Word Count 10,106
File Format Book will be delivered as a PDF download.
Current rating is 4.75. Total votes 4.
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Your use of old English immediately adds a refreshing uniqueness to this story. If your intention in doing so was to help the reader feel as though he were reading a historical account of the life of Achaeus, then you succeeded.

I love how you created an enjoyable story that so perfectly integrated Paul's mission to Athens. Though this is a work of fiction, you made it fit so well with Acts 17 that I could easily believe it to be an actual historical account of Acheaus.

One problem I had is the overwhelming number of names to try to keep track of. Achaeus. Athenais. Archimedes. Dionysius. Demosthenes. Damaris. Characters were so quickly introduced that I just as quickly forgot them until they appeared later in the story and I had to go back and try to figure out who they were. And the fact the names were similar escalated my confusion at some points. I would suggest expounding on the introduction of characters, changing some of their names, and simply getting rid of some, like Archimedes, who's role in the story does not justify the confusion his existence in the story brought.

There are a few points I felt lost:
"Athenais, having only discovered the whereabouts of her beloved Achaeus on the day previous, arose early the following morning and came to the quarry bearing meat and oil." Here, I felt led to assume that she was aware that Achaeus was injured, but later she is astonished to hear that and doesn't seem to know where he is.

"And as they talked, he drew closer, bearing a foolish grin upon his face as she drained another goblet. Following her example, Demosthenes fell upon her chair and lay still." I just wasn't quite sure what happened here. At first I thought Demosthenes died. But going from "following her example" to falling, "upon her chair," made the scenario unclear to me.

A final observation: Athenias entered Archimedes' house while he was asleep and woke him by calling his name. Immediately following that, Archimedes asks, "What may be thy name, fair maiden?" as though he did not know her.

Your writing is strong. You have the ability to capture a reader's attention. More than that, you can maintain the level of intrigue that kept me reading and left me finishing this story thinking, "I'm glad I read that."

I give thumbs up for a genuinely creative and compelling story that has me wanting to read more from you.

From: Spencer Russ | Created on: 10/23/2012 9:58:05 PM

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I don't give five stars very often, but this one by far deserves it. The storyline was wonderful and I enjoyed every word. I liked the way you quoted the KJV. I can't find anything to ctritize which hasn't already been touched on my other reviewers. Thank you so much for writing this story. I love the fact that you did not try to hide your Christianity while writing it. Keep up the amazing work!

From: | Created on: 8/24/2012 5:02:42 PM

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The story is a great read and you did a very good job blending the language of the KJV Bible with what you had written. The transition was smooth and had I not recognized the passage you were quoting I may not have realized you were quoting something. You occasionally placed a semi-colon where modern day writers would have placed a period or comma, but this writing style is commonly used in the KJV Bible and therefore enhances the flow of the story. There were, however, a few things that could be improved. One sentence says, "And she cried, 'What has happened to him!'" This is fine, but a question mark should be placed beside or replace the exclamation mark. Also, you used the name Iesous every time except once or twice when you used the name Jesus. You also interchanged Paul and Paulus multiple times. I would keep the names consistent to avoid confusion. Keep up the good work!

From: Melody Guthrie | Created on: 6/27/2012 8:52:49 PM

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Achaeus of Athens
This is a great story.  An excellent read.
Complements to the author, Keep writing.
You are doing great!

From: Terri Martin | Created on: 2/7/2012 10:02:01 AM

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