A Shadow of the Eyes
The plausibility of this story is realistic for a ghost story, and the dialogue is well done.
Several things I would like to point out though: when the speakers change, always begin a new paragraph. There are no page numbers in this story, so I can't point to a direct page, but scattered throughout the story are several mistakes. There and Their are confused in several places, 'in to' should be written together for 'into'.
Small things like that are killing an otherwise good story.
Near the end of part II, adverbs take over. Take them out; they only slow you down.
Just before the break in part II, this sentence is a perfect example of telling rather than showing:
"Though Jonathan Parker said this, he truly never intended to let
them leave. Just for effect. Acting. Damn good acting, too."
Who is telling us this and how does the narrator know to tell us?
I hope this helps you. Like I said, it's a really good story, just needs some proofing--like the rest of us. I did enjoy reading A Shadow of the Eyes.
6/24/2012 4:27:24 PM
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