This story begins with an interesting premise, but then, abruptly the scene changes. I didn't quite follow it, in places. For instance, what did happen at the end? Did all the characters fade away, or were they there, still? What was the war about? The descriptions seemed to be missing portions, and the typos took away from the charm it might have had. I wouldn't stop working on it, I think it could develop nicely, but I would say it's not really at the point where it could win a writing contest. The flow of sentences and events need smoothing out. It's an intriguing idea, though!
3/28/2012 5:55:37 PM
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