Review of 'The Bedroom.'
It is an interesting story. Once again you display a sophisticated command of the language; however, as I previously mentioned, you are sadly lacking in grammatical mechanics.
Page 2, para 2 sentence 2, makes no sense. Like many others, it is a run on sentence, lacking punctuation marks--missing verbs, etc. You seem to have a knack for forgetting to write complete sentences.
At the end of the 2nd paragraph, 2nd page, 'whose mom are you talking about?' I thought you were still talking about the boy who lost his brother.
Page 2, 3rd paragraph, you switched from 3rd person to 1st person, without making it clear that these comments are John's interior monologue--talking to himself.
Page 4, line 5, this sentence could be greatly improved if the adverb 'neatly' preceded the verb it motifies, folded.
Page 4, the sentence beginning 'The rancid....' is rambling, and is not a complete sentence.
On page 6, the sentence 'Hey you, John wanna toke.' is a question. 'John,' is parenthetical and should be surrounded by commas.
On page 6, the 2nd, and 3rd sentences are laced with fragments.
You seem to be averse to attaching dialogue tags to your sentences. You can omit them, but only when the speaker is completely clear, such as the exchanges on page 9.
I feel that I am nitpicking, but your grammar needs work, and I can find nothing in your plot, story world, theme, characters, or style to comment upon.
At times, I feel you might have been born in the wrong century. I am currently reading 'Jane Eyre' by Charlotte Bronte, a novel filled with narrative summary, much telling, and not much showing; however, the grammar is impeccable This is your style, and it is fine, except that that style is not very popular in the 21st century. To be successful financially is a long and difficult road to travel.
P.S. If, for any reason, you do not receive this review, let me know, and I will send it direct, as an e-mail.
11/6/2011 10:32:22 AM
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I just finished reading your short story, 'The Bedroom.' Another literary fiction, I suspect.
Actually, this story is much better written than 'Deal Me A Card,' and I enjoyed reading it much more.
As I expected, your characters are well enough defined for a short story, and John does offer a great deal of empathy.
The only criticism I can offer is that the story does not go anywhere. It's kind of a snapshot of a poor person struggling to survive.
It is very well presented, and you can proud of your work.
11/5/2011 11:13:54 AM
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