Picture of The Cosmic Comic

A comedian that performs throughout the galaxy finds himself in an extreamly volitile situation as pirates invavade the ship he's performing on.

 

Product Specifications
Word Count 1,298
File Format Book will be delivered as a PDF download.
Current rating is 3.67. Total votes 3.
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The Cosmic Comic
I liked this. It is imaginative and funny. Coax me, yank me, tempt me, as long as I want to keep reading, I don't care. I think this is a good start. Just needs some technical editing: some missing commas, sentences that could be reworded to read better, and long sentences that can be broken into two or more (such as the opening sentence):
Joe DeLion was beginning the most important comedy performance of his career. He was headlining for a show, put on for several thousand delegates and high ranking officials from numerous parts of the galaxy.

From: Robert G. Moons | Created on: 7/11/2013 12:03:26 PM

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The Cosmic Comic
Since this is just your opening chapter it is hard to gage where it's going. The ending does leave me wondering what will happen next, so that is good.


I'd suggest moving the first bit of dialogue to the beginning:

"Ahh I see we have some aquatics here tonight. Just make sure you all watch your kids carefully, there’s a lot of sushi bars around here." Joe bellowed into the microphone.

That way you'd get the reader wondering what is going on. Then explain what he is doing.

You might throw in a hint of how he is feeling as he does his stichk. Is he excited at the opportunity? Is he bored doing the same old routine?


Just to make it easy on the eyes you could increase the indenting on your paragraphs to more than just a couple of spaces.


Watch the spelling and grammar.

I believe "head liner" should be one word
"Behind the Grays was a cluster..." should be "were"

I'll be interested in seeing more of this.

From: James Hold | Created on: 2/26/2013 5:02:34 PM

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Well...
Gotta say it's interesting.
(wait for it) But there are some major issues with the writing Mr. Hand:

When you write a piece--especially something as long as a novel--you must coax me (the reader) in. The operative word is COAX--not yank me in. Yanking me in can work but that requires a different literary technique
(which I actually think would work better here).
Anyway COMIC isn't coaxing. But too, it isn't "yanking" either. It is somewhere in between and that's NEVER good.

As this piece is long (I'm assuming it builds) I would start the book with a
"one-liner" ( a joke in the midst of his monologue) from JOE. then some response to the one liner and then subtley build on what as brought him to the stage. This is an example of a COAX(ing)-approach.

In the current COMIC you begin with the man's name and his "credentials". While this could be fine, it is a riskier opening because there WILL BE less readers interested at this point than if you bring them "blindly"/groping into the scene. In other words the reader MUST read the next word to figure out "what's going-on, who is JOE, why is he on this bizarre ship, where's he headed..etc.

There is a lot I could add, so if interested we can "talk" more...
But, again the beginning is problematic. On another note I would change the font. It literally "hurts' to read it (maybe a smaller font or less "square font type)...

thanks for writing, THE COSMIC COMIC
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gg.

From: gg raymond | Created on: 2/26/2013 2:26:30 PM

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